Canadian House divided over what animal best symbolizes country: cannot stand, crawl, slither or buzz about giddily

(from the Globe and Snail, February 11, 2007)

Canadian politicians nearly came to blows yesterday afternoon in a heated outstanding Parliamentary debate that almost threw the country into general elections, barely a year after the Conservatives formed Canada's new government.

At issue, however, were not trivial problems of the day such as the war in Afghanistan or global warming, but rather a question that strikes at the core of every single Canadian: what animal best represents the nation?

"Canada has the stockiness, the ferocity, the courage, and the same indomitable will to live and survive as a wolverine," insisted Foreign Affairs Minister John Mckay, echoing Prime Minister Stephen Harper's newly publicized opinion.

"But how could you possibly want to associate us with an animal that smells so bad it's often called a 'skunk bear'"? shouted NDP mascot affairs critic Richard Moorgrove from across the room, proving his mastery of wikipedia.

The New Democratic Party maintained that the country is more akin to a rabbit, due to its peaceful ways. Canada's proud heritage of recycling programs was also likened to the rodent's typical eating of its own crap.

Stéphane Dion showed extreme criticism towards changing Canada's emblem from a beaver. "With its resourcefulness in building dams, the beaver most resembles the average Canadian's positive, can-do attitude and love of working," the Liberal Party leader said.

Former Quebec premier Lucien Bouchard lost no time in stating here was another proof that Quebec should separate, repeating his claim from last fall that French Canadians were lazy bums and thus evidently not compatible with the beaver.

Though the beaver has long remained Canada's premier mascot, the sensitive question aroused interest at a recent press conference by Harper comemorating his government's year-long iron grip on Parliament, where he said that he thought of Canada more as a wolverine.


The ferocious rodent can grow as big as a dog, does not hibernate, and has strong jaws that allow it to chew on hardened carcasses of-ironically among others-mooses, which appear on the Canadian quarter.

It is unknown whether Stephen Harper was purposely

being ironic: wolverines are the largest members of the weasel family.

A Comic book conspiracy?

However, Harper's metaphor has come under fire from more than just his political rivals. Professor Eaton Von Shaburg, who teaches communications at the University of Ottawa, told the Globe and Snail that he feared this was part of an insidious marketing campaign. He accused the Conservative government of being in bed with Marvel Comics, the US-based company that publishes the illustrated adventures of popular superhero Wolverine, also a Canadian.

"If you think about it, X-3 (the 2006 movie starring Wolverine and his teammates, the X-Men), was the critically least successful film featuring the character in Canada yet," Shaburg said. "Producers are afraid that moviegoers will be wise to any subsequent films starring the character, so what they do is gradually start to pervade media with the word 'wolverine' every chance they get. The more people hear the word, the more they're likely to go to a movie featuring him. It's the same reason Stephen Harper drinks Coca Cola, only this is a lot more sinister since it's done in a clandestine fashion."

What does Harper stand to gain? "Well you see already: entire Parliamentary sessions on the matter, completely distracting everyone from the Conservatives' major cock-up on dossiers like the environment and the Middle East," said Shaburg.


"I cannot tell you how wrong-headed the idea that the Conservative Party is associated with Marvel Comics is," said Stephen Harper during a press scrum when confronted with the idea, before quickly shooting a web at one of the Hill buildings and swinging away.


Dictatorial rabbits...

The rabbit image espoused by the NDP has not gone without criticism either. An NDP MP who wished to remain anonymous told the Snail that the party was largely unhappy with the choice, but leader Jack Layton was threatening to kick people who disagreed out. "In fact I wouldn't be surprised if the only reason why Layton is trying to impose this on us is because he is, in fact, a disguised rabbit himself." The MP had no evidence to back this up, but said he would try to provide the Snail with photographs of Layton taking a piss on a pile of woodshavings.


A consensus was not reached after yesterday's debate, but insiders on the Hill say the issue is likely to pop up again soon.

The outstanding debate was the first on a Saturday since the day the House of Commons met to discuss the proper age for children to start carrying cell phones.

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For more on Harper's original description of Canada as a wolverine, head to:

http://www.canada.com/montrealgazette/news/story.html?id=da802f13-3fe6-49f2-a661-a527947e8104